When a person says something like:

“We should hurry up and get on with this war, then the share prices will rise and the cost of oil will drop”

they are trying to sound like mature, objective tactical thinkers. They are saying that “we have an objective, a goal, and we should make whatever tough decisions are necessary to achieve the goal”. And what is more, I am a man, my son.

However the reality is that they demonstrate a complete inability to marry the negative consequences of their own actions, with the actions themselves. Like a child, they are unable to say “I made a decision which lead to actions with both positive and negative consequences, I should weigh up both and decide whether my action was successful”. It is the the child who steals from his mothers purse to engorge himself with sweets although his brothers and sisters will starve as a consequence, it is the child who taunts another child in the playground in order to engraciate himself with the bullys, who later bully him, it is the many experiences which teach us that our own actions have repercussions.

That tactical thinking that made us bully our old friends in order to make new friends is something that disappears rather quickly with that first fat lip or thick ear.

I have discovered that in order to get people to do things the way you ask, lives must depend on it.

I will give you an example. Mushrooms are not only an object of my spite, but I also live in abject terror of their mysterious properties. However, I like pizza, especially calzone. My local pizza manufacturer makes calzone but they have mushrooms in it. If I ask for "one calzone, no mushrooms" they will ignore me and put the horrible fungus in my folded pizza! However a simple change of tack - "One calzone, no mushrooms. I am alergic to them. If there are mushrooms in it, I will die instantly upon ingestion so it is very important." then I will get what I want.

Nyquist has a loathing of sauce, similar to mine of mushrooms except that unlike myself, his fear is totally irrational. He likes burritos from a local restaurant but they always come with sour cream (which is tantamount to sauce) no matter how he asks. One day I interjected "If you give him sour cream he will die, he is severely alergic." Guess what? No fucking cream.

Case closed.

Top things christian fundamentalists don't belive in.

1. Dinosours (fossils are a devil trick).
2. Petrol (well, any derviative of crude oil), see 1.
3. Abortion (even in cases of rape and incest).
4. Holograms
5. The moon (the moon is a flat disc made of cheese).
6. That red green and blue are the primary colours.
7. That the pope is an anti-christ communist.
8. God is perfect (they actually believe he made many mistakes including some big ones during creation he accidentally created mind altering drugs but did not create a government to build the correct taxation structure surrounding them.)
9. That heavy things fall at the same speed as light things.
10. Homosexuals (they are holograms).
11. The number zero, all negative numbers, euclidian geometry, and in fact most maths.
12. Microwaves (they are either devil tricks or holograms).
13. Shampoo AND conditioner. How can you mix a soap and an oil?!?!

People often ask me:

Is the use extreme violence justified if it is used in order to supress genocidal maniacs in charge of brutally violent regimes?

To this question I usually reply:

Well, you can obtain pure potassium chlorate through the fractional distillation of potassium chlorate weedkiller (purchasable from homebase), mixed in the correct quantities with melted candle wax and vaseline you obtain a stable yet powerful plastic explosive. A primary charge of black powder (from a firework) can be used and lit with a firework fuse, you can lay the fuse inside a hosepipe which will conceal the smoke and thus not alert the authorities to the presense of the explosive device. Alternatively you can use a solar detonator (purchasable for maplins) which can provide electronic detonation from a 9V battery. A reasonable sized charge with electric detonation can easily be carried insde a jacket, but it is not enough. You also need shrapnel. Filling baked beans cans with nuts and bolts will do fine. You could also fill a can with napalm (petrol mixed with melted candle wax, egg whites, or anything sticky). I would completely condone hugging Tony Blair, Jack Straw, or any other genocidal maniac. I reiterate, I completely condone this behaivour. I will also offer practical advice and support to anyone willing to carry out these acts.

Thats what I usually say.

The more space I clean on my desk the more people want to use it to store their crap on. My desk is optimally located in the room right at the spot where once and indian died, and every time you are near it you want to drop whatever you are carrying on to it.

It makes me feel so miserable. I want to die.

This week in my town a man was shot dead with an illegal firearm (of which there is one for every 10 people in the country). There was a blazing inferno so large that the smoke set off smoke alarms in the surrounding houses and fire fighters with six modern fire appliances struggled to put it out; this was the night before a 48 hour firefighters strike; apparently they need to modernise to get a 40% pay rise (just like the politicians who got a 40% pay rise who sit all day talking only when holding the correct sceptre/conch, and whose building is opened each morning by a man dressed in a golden duvet with a hat made out of a duck). Can you belive those damn firefighters are refusing to restructure in such a way as to reduce fire coverage during the night on the basis that human lives are more important than money which is allocated to the half-a-million well paid troops to fight a war against a country ruled by a "tyrant" (even though our secretary of state turns down asylum seekers from that country on the basis that its judiciary is "just" and "even handed") just becouse the illigitemate president of the illigitemate super powers daddy couldn't buy 10 million barrels of crude oil (which isn't even needed to run cars efficiently but hey the companys who like cheap oil pay the campain contributions, so why argue)? My country is in absolute chaos.

But hey, aren't we lucky we don't live in one of them thar anarchist societies, that would be chaos; mad max society. I'm so glad I don't live in spain in 1937 right now I can tell ya!

No motherfucking christmas fucking haikus this year. Christmas is a vast festering bowl of fucking puss.

Instead I shall be carrying out santarchy. Simply put on a santa outfit, leave all forms of identification at home and stick a few hundred quids bail money in your hat. Depart for town and perform random acts of retail terrorism (such as handing out free gifts to children) until the yorkshire police "shop squad" arrest you. When you get arrested, say nothing, wait 24 hours, and bail yourself out with the cash.

Santarchy, fuckers
Is all you'll get for christmas
Go to fucking hell.

There was an old lady who swallowed some cider.
She was on my bus, and urinated all over the seat.