A Top Five for our new “sister”, Susan, compiled by Spork and her femininity consultant & girliness guru, Katherine.

Top Five Tips for Womanhood

1. Shave. All women spend approximately 96% of their time shaving or at least engaging in some sort of hair-removal procedure. Except French “women” of course.

2. Go for a short haircut. Don't worry Susan, it won't make you look manly and will no way affect your femininity, but a short haircut suits your face shape better. Okay, it *might* affect your femininity if people mistake you for a dykey lesbian. But, if it is dykey lesbians mistaking you for a dykey lesbian then it could work to your advantage…

3. Notice what haircuts suit people’s face types. Then use this to compliment (see #2) people. If you want to be really girly, notice their "season" too. We don't really understand this but use it to randomly to insult people: eg, "Susan thinks she's a Spring but is really a Summer. A Summer should never wear periwinkle or teal, like I've seen HER wearing on a number of occasions". And that leads onto...

4. Lose the ability to insult people properly. You whore.

5. Giggle. A lot. Particularly when you can’t think of a fifth thing to use in a top five. Giggle and get your boobies out. No one will notice. *giggles and wiggles boobies* see?

I'm trying to rationalise the amount of files floating my department's website (i'm basically going on a deleting frenzy) and in the "Events" section of the site, I've come across three random pictures of rather fat gorillas. There is another one of a gorilla "wearing" a badly drawn-on porkpie hat and glasses, and smoking a pipe.

I want to know what "Event" they were for, and why the hell I missed out on it. *sigh*

I miss Judge Ruffneck. Not in an I-want-to-spawn-his-children way but in a he's-been-a-huge-part-of-my-life-for-five-years-and-now-he's-not way.

It's been a month now and I've got loads I want to tell him, about people/felines we know and our old haunts, but he won't answer my phone calls or messages, or even the door when I go around to his house bearing cake.

I just want him to talk to me, even if it is just to tell me why he is *so* pissed off, because I think we could and should still be good friends, and I want to use his catchphrases without feeling sad.

The cats are trying to take his place, with their little spiked black fur, but try as they might (and for all you people know, do), they can't quite hold the cigarettes with their paws.

*sigh*

Please do not adjust your set - normal transmission will be resumed in 3...2...1

With a couple of colleagues (who fully support, and believe in, my quest to be evil), I came up with a list of things I could do to make the test more enjoyable for the sweating and panicking candidates:
1) staring at them constantly, from about 6 inches in front of their face
2) tapping my pen, every three seconds, on the desk in front of them
3) humming, constantly and off-key (not hard for ToneDeafMe)
4) standing behind them, watching what they were doing and making tsking noises
5) walk into the room, dragging my leg behind me saying "they beat me because i didn't use the correct font. it wasn't as bad as it has been though, they didn't use the stick this time, just the printer cable."
6) having a conversation with myself under my breath along the lines of "you should kill them... no, i'll get found out... not if you hide their bodies in the filing cabinets... but they are papers in the cabinet... perfect to soak up the blood..."...
7) taking the ball out of the mouse before they start
8) waiting til they've just about finished the exercise then "accidentally" cut the power
9) telling them "you've got 15 minutes, start in your own time" then wait about ten seconds and say "ok, are you nearly done? you've got about a minute left"
10) keep looking at my watch and at the door, increasingly frantically, then a minute before the test is finished, climbing behind a bookshelf and say "don't tell them i'm here. i forgot my bulletproof jacket today but these books will be good protection, i hope." then start reciting the lord's prayer.

Needless to say, I did nothing of the sort. Because I'm nice. No, really, I am.

Niceness is really getting in the way of my being evil. Must try harder.

the latest little one of these little incidents is a guy at my bus stop in the mornings. i'm about 98.6% certain it is a guy, called gavin, i knew when i was 15/16, and living about 80miles away from here - my friends tried to fix us up but he, um, wasn't my type so i ended up going out with his best mate for the next six months instead. i've consciously seen him twice in the last week alone (today and friday) so i think it's got beyond the stage that i can suddenly realise who he is and say hello. plus, i wouldn't have much to talk to him about but i would feel that i *had* to talk to him every time i saw him and that would get quickly embarrassing when we realised how little shared history we had and were forced to stand around in uncomfortable silence, praying for the bus to come.

so i don't think i'm going to say anything. yes, that's probably the best thing to do. it's like with the girl who used to get my bus sometimes: i knew her about five years ago but the only thing i would be able to say to her now was "i stole your boyfriend". meh.

i guess there are some parts of the past which are, like cat poop, best left buried.

anyway, i'm eating a gingerbread man at the moment and it looks really evil so i'm hoping it's evilocity will transfer over to me.

any suggestions for evil antics?

coming back out of the library a little while later, it was raining *slightly* harder. i got soaked.

i think my life has reduced itself to a series of unconnected, random moments (the above being another example to add to the collection, which in many ways this journal system is). i think i need some kinda story to pull them all together. or at least a narrator. maybe someone with a really cool, deep voice like james earl jones.

< james earl jones voice > on that soggy tuesday afternoon, spork sat in her office, musing over the random anecdotes that made up her life and gently playing with her boobs.... < /james earl jones voice >

a pan pipe version of "Axel F", blasted so loud out of a car that I could hear it enough to identify the tune and the "instrument". Oh. My. Dear. *insert deity of your choice here*.

and i still have my headache.

i think that's a metaphor for my life or something.