The funeral of Geek-ware author Plimsole will take place in the Spork-Ruffneck cemetary during the next week.

Plimsole, daughter to Trainer and Sneaker, lived a brief but uneventful life before being sadly taken from us to the place that commonly referred to as Nottingham.

She will be buried next to her fellow fallen comrade, the ertswhile Scaramanga, who was also taken by unnamed masked men to be a sunbeam after a horrific haribo incident earlier this month.

Plimsole will be best remembered for her Jim Bowen impressions and her habit of employing Spoon-Fork individuals as slave labour.

Fans of the rubbery one can send floral tributes but cold, hard cash is prefered (please make all cheques payable to Spork who promises not to embezzle the cash, honest guv'nor, my fingers aren't crossed or nottin').

Top Five Reasons she was Much Loathed:
1) She was never there so I had to do the work for the both of us.
2) When she was there, she was incompetent and I had to do the work for the both of us.
3) She happily admitted (and seemed proud of the fact) that she was inbred.
4) Her laugh. Oh. MY. GOD. I wanted to rip my own arms out just to have something to beat her with. I felt like that on the first day. The next six months were HELL.
5) Her voice that didn't EVER shut up. So I had to do the work for the both of us while ignoring her constant bleating in my ear.

Eight/nine months on and I am still getting wound up about this stuff. Grrrr.

to be able to take a photo of the vicious bruise inflicted on my poor, delicate (and in no way blobby) nose by the evil that is bAck"stud-boy"line.

Reason I wish I had a web-cam/digital camera #488:

so I didn't have to think of the development costs of developing the four films that are currently sat on a shelf in our house waiting to be developed. I can't even remember what is on two of them but I assure you all, if it turns out to be porn pictures of me in compromising positions with either Judge"just call me Dirk Von Diggler"Ruffneck or Plim"Little Miss Vacuous"sole, I will post them to Geek-ware immediately.

(in no particular order)

1. Film Director - of Kevin Smith or John Hughes films preferably (although if I was Kevin, I would lose the beard and if I was Monsieur Hughes I would not have even considered making "Curly Sue" let alone the Home Alone duo).

2. Actress - preferably in ER (my one little vice) - either the character of Carol in seasons 1-5 (not six as I loath children), or Kerry in season 7, or Elizabeth in season 4 (I'm very picky).

3. Academic at the Centre for Contemporary Cultural Studies (CCCS) in Birmingham in the 1970s, with Foucault in Paris or doing some newfangled research into computer games now (basically what I would be doing if it weren't for money).

4. Writer - mostly novels and scripts but may dally into the odd magazine/newspaper/journal article. Preferably in the style of someone I like such as Douglas Coupland, or someone who starts/spearheads a new trend in fiction (like 'Bridget **seeeeth** Jones'). Or just the author of the next 5 'great american novels' even though I'm not american.

5. Internet entrepeneureureur - but not someone who makes lots of money necessarily but someone at the heart of something big and mainstream like Yahoo! or dare-I-say-it Hotmail, something that is used by millions. Or even just a internet game like Hollywood Stock Exchange that a million people or so play and think is cool.

After wearing them for a few hours shopping this afternoon, it is a complete mystery to me how the dutch ever managed to colonise any of Africa/South America. Maybe they have tulip power or something.

I've just shown Deb some old photos of Judge Ruffneck in camp mode (including ones of him snogging the one and only bAckline) - the sight of a be-nail varnished, be-mascaraed, hyper-camp Judge is too much for her to take and she is now having a quiet lie down in a darkened room, waiting for the psychiatrist to arrive....

And trust me, this is a kind one...

I think all this away-from-homestead-and-cats travelling has had a bit of an adverse effect on one of them (Carla) who today pooed in our bedroom and last night clawed my face (cheek, nose and lip, and my, my, that smarted) - just call me StinkyScarface. Think we'll stay closer to home tomorrow or else the cats will start making molotov cocktails again...

Have to give Deb's car a mention for it making it up to the highest motorway point in Britain, and not dying during the climb up there. We're proud of you little blue Peugeot!

All the fun *zany* fun tired me out so much, I nearly fell asleep in the middle of "The Ninja Squad" (classy film) so never found out whether Aussie-dubbed Billy avenged the death of his mother by beating the evil ninja, who also wanted to kill Billy's Blake-7 costume wearing ninja master. I'm so glad I was sleepy...

But it's just started raining.

Sideways.

I think I'll stay in work for a bit longer....

Yay!! Cusack for president! I so wish I was american (and I don't say that too often) so that I could pledge my support in this little campaign. If you are of said nationality, go over to Junction City and do your bit to make him the next Prez (whether he wants to be or not)!

It says that if you're not into John, then why not campaign for Joan Cusack instead? I think this will split support, potentially dangerously, and that if elected John would have Joan as is vice-prez, and his other siblings as the other various important people in the government. They could change the name of the country to the United States of AmeriCusack. It would be great.

We should do something similar in this country: Simon Pegg (Spaced) for Prime Minister. Yay!