[prev.8.9.10.11.12.13.14.15.16.17.18.19.20.21.22|next] | Filtered on edward | view all
| edward | Brown Badge Holders | Wed 5th Feb 2003, 18:06 link |
We have a disabled toilet here at work which has an uncanny ability to accept any length and girth "matter", and expel in only one flush. It really is impressive to see the equivalent of two "Subway(tm) Sandwich Fast Food" foot-long(tm) filled baps, that a "person of non-disablement"'s choice of porcelain would have trouble just displacing, get sucked away within only a few seconds. What the HELL is up with disabled people? What do they eat to necessitate such comprehensive commode capacity? Try some Weetabix or something people. Being that the only disabilities suffered here seem to be related to the use of the English language, it is largely unnecessary. Unless, of course, we decide to flush the members of the sales and marketing department down it one day. | ||
| edward | Meet Edward Abdullah | Thu 30th Jan 2003, 20:25 link |
The part of Susan's desk, situated between himself and myself, clear of many of his own belongings, actually falls as common ground. In fact, my use of his desk is inherently righteous. My use of his desk will be far more effective than his own; I'll help teach him to make better use of it. I don't understand his disagreement. My proclaimation of the IKEA-LACUNA DECLARATION clearly outlines my legal status. I intend for large-scale immigration of more of my belongings to start very soon, alongside the implementation of my own educational system. In all actuality, the desk space, technically speaking, is the inalienable property of myself. Some have described my acts as illegal colonisation by force, but that desk was given to me by God. My migration to it is inevitable and unavoidable; force majeure. Plus I have the Americans on my side. They have guns and Pepsi. | ||
| edward | an open car door a day... | Tue 21st Jan 2003, 00:18 link |
People on bikes. Sure, they'll live longer than me due to all the excerise they do, but I have a car. By the time I die, all the things I had needed to do I will have already done, as I got there by car. Losers. According to some EU published statistics, there are 6.3 deaths per 100 million km travelled by cycle. Compared to the 0.8 by car, I think I'll be the last man standing, er, driving. | ||
| edward | red hot vagina action | Tue 14th Jan 2003, 15:55 link |
I guess I am now a legal guardian of 4 pussy cats. One of the aforementioned felines urinated into the toaster last week. I was made aware of the pussy piddle through the discovery of a black cloud of urea-thick smoke, which has since left the kitchen smelling of burnt tomcat, and my toast tasting of uric acid. I will closely document every amusing excretory act these round-headed fissipeds produce and place for your enjoyment. Sorry for the downtime. Link problems it seems. Then routing problems. *sigh* | ||
| edward | the Messiah. | Wed 18th Dec 2002, 10:41 link |
Susan's yearly advent christmas haikus seem to have deteriorated into half a limerick. Richard Stallman, the Messiah, the promised and expected Geek, the deliverer of GNU, blesses a laptop. What a funny fellow. I still prefer his lead over Bill or Ballman. | ||
| edward | Rich mans world | Wed 4th Dec 2002, 15:37 link |
I took delivery of the twenty one million eight hundred thousand dollars today, which was nice. I might buy some new trainers. Top 5 things I would have said to Jimmy Saville when I met him in a chinese restraunt last week in Leeds city centre, but didn't because my girlfriend was being overscrupulous and excessively concerned about propriety and decorum:
Jimmy Saville is actually scary mofo. Apparently his has crazy obession with his mom, who died years ago, whom he stuffed and does ventriloquist acts with. He also watches the film "Psycho" quite a lot, for those of you not paying enough attention. See An open letter to Jimmy Saville by Kev of sorehead.org | ||
| edward | Assistance - 419 | Thu 28th Nov 2002, 17:29 link |
| *** E-MAIL STARTS From: abraham.taboh@libero.it abraham.taboh@libero.it Subject: Assistance Date: Thu, 28 Nov 2002 17:05:15 Dear sir, please I am Abraham Taboh, the only son of late chief Joseph Alfred Taboh from Sierra Leone. I got your contact from the Ecowas Infomation Center in Côte d'Ivoire. My sources of your contact gave me the courage and confidence to rely on you. I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance to transfer our cash of twenty one million eight hundred thousand dollars ($21,800,000) now in the custody of a BANK here in Abidjan to your private account pending our arrival to your country. SOURCE OF THE MONEY My late father, chief Joseph Alfred Taboh, a native of mende district in the Northern province of Sierra Leone, was the general Manager of Sierra Leone mining co-operation (S.L.M.C.) Freetown. According to my father. This money was the income accrued from mining co-operation's over draft and minor sales. Before the peak of the civil war between the rebels forces of major Paul Koroma and the combined forces of ECOMOG peace keeping operation that almost destroyed my country, following the forceful removal from power of the Civilian Elected President Ahmed Tejan Kabbah by the rebels. My father had already made arrangement for his family, my mother, my little sister and myself to be evacuated to Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire with our personal effects and the box containing team. My father deposited the fund for the safe custody
until after the war when he will join us. During the
war in my country, and following the indiscriminate
looting of public and Government properties by the
rebel forces, the sierra Leone mining coop. Was one of
the targets looted and destroyed
My father including other top Government functionaries
Were attacked and killed by the rebels because of his
relationship with the civilian
Government of Ahmed Tejan Kabbah. As a result of my
father death, and with the news of my uncles
involvement in air crash in January, dashed
our hope of survival. The untimely deaths caused my
mothers heart failure and other related complications
of which she later died in the hospital
After we must have spent a lot of money on her. Now
my younger sister and myself are alone in this
strange country suffering without any care or help.
Without any relation, we are now like refugees and
orphans. Our only hope now is in fund our father
deposited in the BANK To this effect, I humbly solicit
your assistance in the followings ways. Please call me immediately you recieve this mail for a brief discussion and more information. I am waiting for your urgent response and telephone call. Thanks and God bless you Best regard Abraham Taboh and sister Tel: 00225 07 54 ** ** *** E-MAIL ENDSI called Abraham Taboh immediately as requested today (seriously, it's a mobile phone number in the Ivory Coast) and discussed our next steps. Apparently he needs my bank details to transfer the $21,000,000 dollars in small quantities as not to arouse suspicion. I promised to send them to him tomorrow, along with my home address, and a photograph of myself. I told him I had prepared for his arrival by asking my Mum if he could stay over for a while, and she had said yes. Unfortunately there is only one bed so his sister may have to stay with me. He was ok with this. He says his god blesses me. Concerned, as I was, that this may have been a scam, and feared not only for the loss of my freedom, but also the loss of my life I queried the legality of the transaction. He reassured me that everything was fine as he had truthfully lost his machete last week whilst brutally murdering American business-men, and therefore had no intention of harming me or my bank balance. I also had the honor of speaking with his sister, whose soft whispers compared only to those of Captain Caveman, and had the grammatical grace of a hungry pitbull terrier. I can only say, whilst my credit history is blackened and burnt into the harddisks of Visa international, that this invitation doesn't just apply to me, it applies to *every* big-dollar westerner. Contact the Sierra Leone tourist board for more information. | ||
| edward | golly wog | Fri 22nd Nov 2002, 10:07 link |
Top five ways in which the English are damned:
| ||
| edward | meat. Throw it to the lions. | Wed 6th Nov 2002, 23:31 link |
I've not eaten meat for over two years due to me reading where it came from (Animals). I've since read it's all organic now so I guess they grow it in fields so I'm eating it again. In actual fact I realised I don't particularly *like* animals, so fuck them. Guess I should consider eating people next. When I first gave up meat, some crazy ass kooky christian friends of mine took it upon themselves to explain a few things to me. (Christians seem to have lots of spare time to take it upon themselves to explain things to people. Unfortunately I've not yet had any of them explain petrol to me if the world is only 4000 years old. I guess they run their cars on faith). These crazy muslim-haters explained to me that it was ok to eat animals because God put them there for us to eat. I was interested in why god didn't give us sharp teeth to eat all this meat with, or the digestive tract to digest it properly but they didn't like me interrupting their explaination demanding ridiculous things like facts. I asked if God had planned on us treating these glorious sources of food the barbaric way we do, but by this point they had pulled a super-soaker of holy water on me and I was forced to swallow some rosary beads and have a priest ejaculate in my ass. Interestingly I've now been ordered to eat 8 "Whole Marys" to repent my sins. I guess I'll get to try human flesh after all. | ||
| edward | humans | Mon 21st Oct 2002, 18:20 link |
Humans really are so predictably similar and moronic that it's hard to tell if I can be bothered with them any more. I should plan to kill them all quite soon. On a lighter note, whilst writing this entry (approx 1 minute): [1] Of course, there is no way of accurately knowing how many people are dying and going to hell. Only God knows for certain. This numbebr is based on the world’s population, mortality rate and an estimated number of true believers* * This is an actual quote. I tell only the glorious truth that is our Lord. See http://www.biblehelp.org/signal.htm | ||
| Authors |
| spork |
| nyquist |
| sleepykev |
| edward |
| susan |
| BadRobot |
| Rule |
| cal_mcbrayne |
| LydiaBushGrrl |
| Deekoo |
| Plimsole |
| aRmitage |
| Greg |
| bobthecactus |
| Bossmann |
| view all |
