I went to a comic fair on Saturday, not especially for the merchandise but for the boost to my self-esteem. When I entered the hall, the waves of body odour splashing over me made me realise that I was the Fonz and at least half of the people in the room were Pottsies. I was COOL. Hell, I would have still been at least Chachi even if I had been wearing custard-stained wash-day clothes and a "Meatloaf ROCKS!" day-glo badge.

Of course, upon leaving the arena and re-entering "reality", I instantly lost my cool because my phone wasn't the right shade of chrome and I hadn't spent three hundred pounds on some Burberry socks. I was back to Ralph Malph status once again.

"we could save very large sums of money by ensuring that because we have the only free health service in the world we do not provide a free health service to the rest of the world"
http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200304/cmselect/cmhaff/uc130-vii/uc13002.htm

Mr. Blunkett seems not to be aware of a little country called Cuba. Also, Canada. That's quite small too.

beat beat beat beat beat ... BEAT beat beat beat beat beat beat ... BEAT beat beat ... BEAT

My heart got bored with the usual 4/4 beat and is experimenting with some syncopated rhythm. Nobody is sure why it's doing this. Not even the tired, distracted cardio-vascular doctor who kept scratching "himself" could tell me what was going on.

I don't drink a lot of caffinated drinks, no fizzy pop whatsoever and very little beer. I hadn't eaten any spicy food, or gone for a run that I'd forgotten about. I do eat a good bit of chocolate but not within a heart-affecting time-frame.

So, I have decided to confuse it by corrupting it's time signature with my breathing and thinking one sixteenth off beat.

• buttersotch
• vibrate
• minge
• hellecopter
• avarice
• dust mites
• alcohol
• a letter to America
• jizz whipper
• innoculation
• water damaged
• brain damaged
• chest damaed
• some guy named Jonathan
• mini moog
• average man
• holiday polaroid

The Schnews crew need money for rent and other stuff. Their free office space (from the band the Levellers) has come to an end so now they need help.

Whilst it would be rather amusing for them to make money selling advertising space to Coca-Cola, Shell Petroleum or Lockheed Martin they'll probably have better luck with personal donations. So, go read the Schnews (if you haven't already) and if you support their causes then support them with a few quid a month standing order. http://www.schnews.org.uk/extras/help.htm.

"[African Americans] make up 12 percent of the national population [but] account for more than 40 percent of the country's current death row inmates"

"At least one in five of the African Americans executed since 1977 had been convicted by all-white juries, in cases which displayed a pattern of prosecutors dismissing prospective black jurors during jury selection."

22 percent of all executions were of African Americans for the murder of a white person yet only 1.4 percent were of whites for the reverse.

These are just some of the reasons it's going to be a long time before we see a black Ronald McDonald.

Based on the amount of spam I'm getting at the moment, I suspect a lot of men worry about the size of their penises.

Based on the amount of penises I've seen over the years, I would say a lot of men worry with good reason.