'bout time too...

it's times like these that i wish i had a sniper rifle.

I watched The Money Pit last night and mistook it for a reality tv docu-tainment-ertisement show. Still, I might have a half decorated living room but at least I don't have to put up with Shelley Long. Or Tom Hanks. Or Meg Ryan.

My friend has a voice-over IP telephone. I like to phone him up and say lots of short words in quick succession to slow down his web browsing.

Very thirsty, I purchased the only cold drink available from the vending machine, black current. I would have preferred water but instead received a substance that was possibly the furthest thing chemically from it. The substance I received was purple, a word that does not rhyme with any other in the English dictionary. The substance was similar to the word in that it seemed to be the only substance that could not compliment any other known, only sullying it a combination of red and blue.

As it swished around, the purple liquid stained the inside of the white plastic cup. As I put the edge of the cup to my mouth I imagined it staining my lips purple, discolouring my velum, tinging my tongue, tainting my uvula, polluting my epiglottis, soiling my larynx and tarnishing my digestive system with it's imperial hue.

As I put the cup down on the table I smeared a purple cup ring into the melamine surface, leaving a permanent scar that read, "I drank purple here". Releasing the container uncovered four purpled fingertips and one semi-purpled thumb print, which then left a purple evidence trail on the equipment I was handling, and somehow my trousers.

Vanish got the stain out though, which was a relief.

I'm going to take up masturbation just so if someone asks what I'm doing, I can just say "gee Ma, I'm playing the clitar".

Since meeting my uncle from Hong Kong and getting a cold, somebody suggested I look into the symptoms of S.A.R.S to be on the safe side. I'm going to look into the symptoms of winning the lottery jackpot too, as I think that's more likely to happen. I expect much shouting and streamers, followed by a letter of resignation (taking the form a poop in a jiffy bag)

I met up with my Uncle visiting from Hong Kong on Sunday. I think I caught a sore throat and a cold from him.

Cadbury's Turkish Delight bars are not halal. There seems to be something a little odd about that. Creme eggs, Mini eggs and "Puds 2002" and a range of "Tree Novelties" are though.

Today I am writing this in bed where I am increasingly late for work. 4.5 hours by MD's reckoning, 3.5 by mine. Oh what a life.