I seem to have a problem being listened to at work. I wonder if wearing a coloury hawaiian shirt will help.

I may just give up caring instead. Yes. That seems like a nice sensible idea.

There is now something old-fashioned, archaic even, about people queuing outside banks, waiting for them to open. There is also something slightly perverse about an era where you can buy tupperware/tanning lotion/WD40/pesto/a suit/children’s toys/consumer electronics/avocados at any time of the day or night, and at any time of the year, in a quick visit to your local hyper-conglomerate-mart. Something seems to have got inverted somewhere out there.

April showers. APRIL. Not May. Quit it with the rain already.

i think i may have accidentally (boob) flashed my head of department today.

hopefully both of us will be too embarrassed to mention it so it can quietly go about dwelling in the dark, unswept cavities of our brains until one day it is ripped from us under psychotheraptical hypnosis and we breakdown screaming "boobies, boobies, oh yes, boobies everywhere".

I really must stop consuming end-of-the-world-we're-all-going-to-die media. Between my recent inhalation of "Girlfriend in a Coma", "Day of the Triffids", "War of the Worlds", "28 days later", NWO's hints on surviving in 'Post-apocolyptic'" and SARS, I keep thinking the world is going to implode at any second and I'm going to get sleepy/eaten/incinerated/angry/vapourised/a slight cough before teatime.

This type of thinking is just ridiculous. This is all the stuff of cheesy SF, which is funnily enough what most of it is. It would make far more sense to worry about the day Bush gets buttons and croutons all mixed up and accidentally nukes us all because he fancies bread bits in his soup. Now *that* could happen.

Pregnancy test: £7.99
Post-result cake: £1.99
Look on my boyfriend's face when I forgot the word 'negative' - and so just paused for a long while, looking confused - when telling him the (negative) result: Priceless

Don 'Rummy' Rumsfeld appears as a guest on Saddam Hussein's new chat show "Saddam".

In 1984 Irans Ayatollah Khomeini wanted regime change in Iraq. The US disagreed:

"The United States finds the present Iranian regime's intransigent refusal to deviate from its avowed objective of eliminating the legitimate government of neighboring Iraq to be inconsistent with the accepted norms of behavior among nations and the moral and religious basis which it claims."

BBC - Pearl Jam Bush stunt angers fans - Dozens of fans walked out of a Pearl Jam concert in the US after singer Eddie Vedder impaled a mask of President Bush on a microphone stand.

The other 19,964 fans walked out of the "Pepsi Center", Denver, shortly afterwards, when they miraculously developed good taste in music for the first time in their sad, sorry lives.

According to my friendly travel agents, if you have ever been convicted of a crime or even just arrested (whether you were found guilty or not), you now need a visa to get into America. So that's if you've been arrested for anything. Even a DUI which your daddy might have pulled strings to help you get away with. Anything.