I'm beginning to see a lot of guys with these wireless bluetooth mobile phone headsets. I'm beginning to see them outside of the usual car environment though. In Morrisons, for example. He wasn't calling anyone, he was just wearing it. And in clothes shop too. And once at a funeral. Guys just walking around in the street with them on.

I've not yet seen *one* female wearing one though. This was the big clue.

This is when I realised that these guys clearly enjoy pretending they are cyborgs. As a young boy, the idea of being a robot was even more exciting than having a best friend that was a robot. These guys have just never grown up. This may possibly be true for all men (oh god I sound like Jerry Seinfeld with my crappy gender role 'humour')

I bet if you get up close enough you can hear them making electric motor noises when they move their heads.

Now I've brought the bucket indoors, and tipped it out, the moon is no longer there.

It is all your fault.

In order to communicate with the more artistic and creative staff in our wonderful institution, we have decided to develop interpretative dance sequences to convey various technical issues:

"You're having problems viewing a file?"
(we dance around the other person pointing and bobbing about, then gesture our eyes while running backwards and forwards from the person)

"It's a HTML file? How did you make it?"
(with questioning looks on our faces, we make the HTML movement [spread open arms symbolising how liberating it can be when done well but then pulling our arms to our faces in horror about how awful it can be when done badly])

"Word? You used Microsoft Word?"
(throwing our arms back in horror then making the MS Word movement [crying, pain, fear])

"You want me to fix it?"
(starting with our fingers on our foreheads, we throw them out in front of us then use our outstretched hands to strangle the enquirer, then do jazz hands over the collapsed corpse)

We're trying to get some money off the Arts Council for the follow up query responses: "No, we can't bypass all of our security procedures just for you" and "yeah, well, fuck you too buddy".

I've just learnt a valuable lesson: when someone is choking on some food, making them laugh is not the best course of action.

The correct thing to do would be to steal their food and their wallet while they're incapacitated. Obviously.