Top 5 greetings to put in a Valentine's card:

1. "I'm going to fist you tonight darling. Love ??"
2. "As a symbol of my devotion to you, please find enclosed a sample of my semen."
3. "This card isn't from who you think it is. Because I've brutally murdered him."
4. "You're over the age of consent now - let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Love Dad."
5. No greeting, just a live handgrenade attached to the back of the card and the pin attached to the front so when the card is opened it explodes, horrifically, in the gullible recipient's face. If only my Venezuelan contact hadn't let me down...